Made it home boys! Stopped and filled up with the dirt cheap $2. 89 fuel, pumped and pumped and pumped, foamed a little, let it settle, squeeze the handle a bit more, then BAM! green gold in my filler neck! Less than 2 minutes. Seems to work OK, there weren't any leaks yet.
Thank you to everyone who assisted today, I was literally one broken strap from disaster!