good stuff
These are a collection of courtroom transcripts.
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marrital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at the time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me. "
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Have you ever been arrested?
A: Yes.
Q: What for?
A: Aggravating a female.
Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?
JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind.
Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?
Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletecher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?
Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.
Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.
Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the son of a gun -- and she did.
Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there was because you feared for your life?
A: Yes, I did.
Q: Why?
A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.
Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where is the street.
(Involving a child)
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O. K. ?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
This last one is for merryone,
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a *****, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a *****?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a *****.
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