E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

[Superdawg]

censored word rhymes with horrors.

 

[ALSAN]

My wife was complaining there were not any sparks between us any more so I got my tazer she doesn't complane now but I have to sleep with one eye open now :-laf:-laf

 

[Dutch & Di]

Love It !!!! Leave it to a woman to soften the blow. Hugs, Di

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband:






"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"


"No," said her husband.


She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.


He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.


She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"


"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.


She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.


He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"


He said "No!" trying to hide his arousal.

She said ... "Check the garage."

 

[RUSSELL5000]

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered “spine” are doctors today.

I am not a doctor.

 

[mwilson]

Courtesy of my daughter....

 

[DavidC]

So true

Dave

 

[mwilson]

Liked this one, reminds me of the MIL...

 

[mwilson]

Today's screen shot...

 

[AnOldBiker]

Hope this uploads right ....



The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the 'Toonie' (two dollars) in view of its demise soon with global warming and all.

In the height of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer. Instead of calling it a "toonie", it will now be called "two ****in bucks”

 

[RUSSELL5000]

A man comes to his wife and tell her: "Honey, I think don't think you are keeping up with your part of the marriage..."

His wife replies: "Oh really; why?"

"See...", he responds, "When we started dating, I lived on an old trailer, watched a 10 in black/white TV, didn't have a car and was dating a hot 20 year old girl.... Now, 40 years later, I live on a $1M+ house, have a state of the art home theater, two BMW's but I'm married to a 60 year-old woman.... "

The wife replies: "Well, so go and find another yourself a hot 20 year old girl then!! By the way, I can guarantee you will also be back to living in an old trailer, watching a 10 inch TV, and having no car...."

 

[AnOldBiker]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"2010, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 2010! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him … several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 2010."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2150 now."

 

[GAmes]

words to the wise.

 

[AH64ID]

words to the wise.

View attachment 92560

Seems legit

 

[GAmes]

TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. They proudly report that “they distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis."

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please do not feed the animals". Their stated reason for this policy being that..."The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and then they will never learn to take care of themselves."

This concludes today's lesson.

Any questions?

 

[Tractorat]

The problem with that joke is it just isnt funny.

 

[GrantP]

TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. They proudly report that “they distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis."

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please do not feed the animals". Their stated reason for this policy being that..."The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and then they will never learn to take care of themselves."

This concludes today's lesson.

Any questions?

Where is the "Like" button?

 

[DavidC]

My vote to dissolve the Department of Agriculture and put the National Park Service in charge

Dave

 

[fest3er]

The problem with that joke is it just isnt funny.

Irony rarely is.

 

[Shadrach]

Hope this uploads right ....



The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the 'Toonie' (two dollars) in view of its demise soon with global warming and all.
View attachment 92531
In the height of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer. Instead of calling it a "toonie", it will now be called "two ****in bucks”
View attachment 92532

That version is only available in Vancouver BC :-laf

 

[GAmes]

​On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed that it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!