E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

[SnoKing]

Debbie, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Bill, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Bill and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Bill, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Bill quietly parked his pickup in front of Debbie’s house…………. and left it there all night.
You gotta love Bill!

 

[GAmes]

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR.GORSKY AND
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO
"WHO WAS MR. GORSKY?":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

 

[Superdawg]

Deathbed Conversation:

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his
deathbed. He knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a cam-corder be in place to
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100
and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon
Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
bayside on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs.
Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have
accumulated all this property."

The wife replies, "The ******* had a paper route."

 

[mwilson]

Today's gem....

 

[FOXY005]

The Art Collector’s Wife
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. “Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

 

[GAmes]

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president.

A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Debra, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive.”

"Don 't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh Dad," replies Debra, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat.” The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.”

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2024, Debra is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's dad and mom. Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do.”

Dad says proudly, "Her brother is an Army Aviator.”

 

[AH64ID]

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president.

A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Debra, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive.”

"Don 't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh Dad," replies Debra, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat.” The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.”

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2024, Debra is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's dad and mom. Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do.”

Dad says proudly, "Her brother is an Army Aviator.”

YES!!!!!!

Above the Best

 

[bigceltic]

That is frickin' funny!!

 

[Axel]

When I was in my 20's an older gentleman asked me if I knew what marriage and a hot bath had incommon.
I replied sorry I have no idea.
His reply was " once you are used to it, it is not that hot anymore"

 

[GAmes]

May not be a Nativity scene in Washington DC this year ...
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a
Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season.


This isn't for any religious reason…they simply have
not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.


A search for a Virgin also continues. There was no
problem, however, finding enough ***** to fill the stable.

 

[mwilson]

At 60 I'm turning into the Dr. Seuss scenario....

 

[mwilson]

My Christmas present...

 

[GAmes]

WHAT IS a SH***OLE???

Characterization of a sh***ole:



1. If your boss tells you to update your Gamma Globulin, Yellow Fever, Malaria, Dysentery, Tetanus and other fun immunizations- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.


2. If the Mobilization NCO tells you not to waste your time bringing a radio, or any other electronics, as there is no electricity and there are no signals- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.


3. If the Travel Pay folks give you a travel advance and the Per Diem rate is only $8.00/day, for everything- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.


4. If the “Area Cultural” briefing is only 30 minutes long, but the briefing on communicable diseases is 3 hours long- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.


5. If the “Area Cultural” briefing includes facts that some leaders in the host country keep young boys as sexual slaves- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.


6. If the “Area Cultural” briefing includes facts that male members of that society have multiple wives, but also engage in sexual activity with barnyard animals- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.


7. If the “Medical Briefing” includes recommendations not to walk barefoot, drink the local water, or eat ANY food on the local economy- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.


8. If the “Medical Briefing” includes information that the roadside ditches not only serve as flood control, but also as a common latrine- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole

.
9. If the Daily Report for your new assignment includes an area for “Number of Personnel Med-Evac’ed” from theater for unknown diseases- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.


10. If the monetary exchange rate is greater than 50 to 1 for local currency to US Dollars- You might be deploying to a Sh***ole.

 

[GAmes]

"DO NOT TOUCH" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

 

[FOXY005]

"DO NOT TOUCH" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Yeah...And explain to me why they have Braille on Drive-Thru ATM.s

 

[fest3er]

Blonde husband: Why do those traffic lights beep like that?
Wife: That's for blind people to know the light's changed.
Husband: What the heck are *they* doing driving?

 

[GAmes]

Think of that moment when your steak is on the grill and your mouth is watering in anticipation. Do vegans feel the same while mowing the lawn?

 

[DavidC]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

 

[GAmes]

The Pentagon has ordered that all military commanders provide female personnel with separate, private, "OFF LIMITS" quarters on all bases.

While addressing all personnel at Fort Hood, Texas, the Commanding General said, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

The General continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an Army helicopter pilot stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

 

[mfurrh55]

poor Ford, I hope he had it in 4 wheel drive