GAmes
TDR MEMBER
Do I have to explain the idiocy of the headlines?
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E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....
- Thread starter mwilson
- Start Date
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Do I have to explain the idiocy of the headlines?
mwilson
TDR MEMBER
The pictures are not showing up, log in on a different device and you'll see.
I have occasionally been able to identify.....
I read this anecdote regarding Winston Churchill, the famous prime minister of the UK during World War II.
Winston Churchill was at a reception in conjunction with a government social event. One particular woman kept monopolizing his conversation and seeking his attention. He steered her apart into a private conversation, and asked, “Would you be willing to have sexual relations with me for 10 million pounds?”
The woman feigned shock, incredulity, indignation, and exasperation. After a good deal of bluster, eye-fluttering, and gasping, the woman replied, “Sir Winston, that question is certainly out of line, but for such a sum I do think I could be persuaded!”
Winston Churchill then replied, “That is most excellent. Now, please pray tell, would you have sexual relations with me for 5 pounds?”
The woman became visibly agitated and replied in an angry tone, “Certainly not! How dare you ask me that! What kind of woman do you think I am?”
“My dear woman,” he replied. “Your previous answer clearly established what type of woman you are. We are now simply entering into negotiations to arrive at a fair price for the transaction.”
Winston Churchill was at a reception in conjunction with a government social event. One particular woman kept monopolizing his conversation and seeking his attention. He steered her apart into a private conversation, and asked, “Would you be willing to have sexual relations with me for 10 million pounds?”
The woman feigned shock, incredulity, indignation, and exasperation. After a good deal of bluster, eye-fluttering, and gasping, the woman replied, “Sir Winston, that question is certainly out of line, but for such a sum I do think I could be persuaded!”
Winston Churchill then replied, “That is most excellent. Now, please pray tell, would you have sexual relations with me for 5 pounds?”
The woman became visibly agitated and replied in an angry tone, “Certainly not! How dare you ask me that! What kind of woman do you think I am?”
“My dear woman,” he replied. “Your previous answer clearly established what type of woman you are. We are now simply entering into negotiations to arrive at a fair price for the transaction.”
Random thoughts:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
3. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
4. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
6. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
3. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
4. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
6. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the groin".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.
I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership (as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.)
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of American Democrat Hillary Clinton.
Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package.
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the groin".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.
I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership (as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.)
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of American Democrat Hillary Clinton.
Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package.
Regardless of who wins the presidential election this November, we will witness history being made.
If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other.
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
Now is this a great country or what?
If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other.
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
Now is this a great country or what?
D
Deleted member 995608
Guest
A Mexican magician tells a crowd that he's going to disappear on the count of 3.
He yells out, "Uno, Dos.... POOF! He's gone and vanishes without a Tres.
He yells out, "Uno, Dos.... POOF! He's gone and vanishes without a Tres.
D
Deleted member 995608
Guest
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note. Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won
again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S
***.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND
FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ***
and just cover your own !!!
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won
again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S
***.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND
FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ***
and just cover your own !!!
A guy walks into a crowded bar with a 45 in his hand and says" I've got a Colt 1911 with a 7 round clip and 1 in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife. A voice from the back of the room says " you're gonna need more ammo!"
GAmes
TDR MEMBER
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Last edited:
GAmes
TDR MEMBER
Sadly, many people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to help kids when they have had one of 'those moments.' Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.. Either way, kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.. Either way, kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
Here is an excellent suggestion for Hillary's future, one that would allow President Trump to show his true bi-partisan feelings!
Make Hillary Clinton Ambassador to Libya and station her at Benghazi. If things don't work out well, at that point what difference would it make?
Make Hillary Clinton Ambassador to Libya and station her at Benghazi. If things don't work out well, at that point what difference would it make?
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Issue 128 – Digital Version
Digital Magazines
FREE!
TDR Test Drive - Digital Edition
Renew
Subscribe
Gift Subscriptions
Back Issues
Subscription Status
Address Change Form
Buyer's Guides
Ram Diagnostic Trouble Codes
The Perfect Collection
The Perfect Collection Vol. II
TSB Updates
Dodge/Cummins Historical Overview
Cameron Collection
What Makes Us Tick?
Product Showcase
Advertising
