E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

[Shadrach]

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A note from a compassionate, loving and caring husband...

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LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking a tall cool one and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me,"You lazy jerk! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat butt and give her a break!"

I thought 'Arg! Women!' , took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought my wife a ride-on mower to show my senstive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that she can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us.

I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK








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I KNOW…I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER. SHE'LL PROBABLY WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT!!

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[promisedland]

Awwww, cute!

 

[RUSSELL5000]

Nuff said..... :-laf

 

[GAmes]

[FONT=&quot]No, not my fishing boat too![/FONT]
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One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken’s Dog,
Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'

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[mwilson]

>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Why Women Make Better Assassins:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the
>>>>>>> background checks, interviews and testing were done,
>>>>>>> there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>

 

[promisedland]

Owww!! Thats scary......
Not MY ladie, thankfully... ;-)

 

[AH64ID]

Owww!! Thats scary...... *
Not MY ladie, hopefully... *;-)

fixed it for ya... :-laf

 

[Deleted member 995608]

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,


'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR


'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'


I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'


My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[GAmes]

Once upon a time ...
The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb ***** to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice is unbroken to this day...

 

[mwilson]

Given the current Pokemon Go craze this is appropriate......

 

[RUSSELL5000]

Angry wife:

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.”
He continued, “Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”

 

[GAmes]

[FONT=&quot]A couple is at home watching TV. Larry has the remote and switches back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Susan becomes more and more annoyed and finally says, "For God's sake, Larry... leave it on the porn channel... you already know how to fish!" |




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[GCroyle]

Never trust an Irishman!!

Of course, borrowed from somewhere else.


Never trust an Irishman!!

Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me."

Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.

After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts
of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.

Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is
sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and
says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago."
__________________

 

[RUSSELL5000]

My apologies in advance....

 

[TJJEEPER]

Thanks for a good laugh!

 

[mwilson]

Russell5000,

The frigin' like button is gone temporarily but were it active you would have many!!!

Here's mine....LIKE!!!

 

[GCroyle]

Again, borrowed from who knows where:

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

(Try to get a mental picture of this)



Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before".

The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed".

 

[GAmes]

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Why we must never let newspapers die!

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[HPSimpson]

I give ???????????????????? GAmes

 

[B.G. Smith]

A patrolman turned on his red lights and followed a car that came by going a little too fast. The car sped up and traveled a few blocks then stopped. The patrolman pulled in behind the car and exited the cruiser and walked up to the drivers side door and asked the man why he didn't stop when he first saw the red lights. He replied "My wife ran off with a police officer a while back and I was afraid you were bringing her back".