You're right Vaughn, it's a leftist conspiracy
Dubya and the Pearly Gates
While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush
is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven
and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you
settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see
a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure
what to do with you. "
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer. " says
Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from
the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in
Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where
you'll live for eternity. "
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in
Heaven. "
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules. " And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down,
down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless
sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the
distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front
of it his dad... and thousands of other Republicans who
had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick
Cheney, Jerry Falwell... . The whole of the "Right" was
there... everyone laughing... happy... . casually but
expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him,
and reminisce about the good times they had getting
rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They
play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster
and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty
drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says
Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want
and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the
Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who
tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks,
kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real
horns.
They are having such a great time that, before he
realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big
hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads
upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again
and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to
visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch
of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's
company, talk about things other than money, and treat
each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy
joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the
food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And
these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he
knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some
kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do
unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to
himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then,
you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now
choose where you want to live for eternity. "
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the
background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers:
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I
mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I
really think I belong in Hell with my friends. "
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle
of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and
toxic industrial waste. . kind of like Houston. He is
horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags
and chained together, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in
pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil
comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his
shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya,
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and
a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar... drank
booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now
this place looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs,
"Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us. "