heres some more
the man himself
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just, the Islands.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris shaves with a John Deere tractor.
Similar to a Russian nesting doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.
Chuck Norris recently saw the movie "Brokeback Mountain" and roundhouse kicked everyone in the theatre to death. The movie wasn't the part that ****** him off, it was the fact that they didn't sell babies at the snack bar.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
Chuck Norris takes no prisoners, but he does take their wives.
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the **** off.
The only person ever to beat Chuck Norris in a arm wrestling match was God. Although we all know Chuck let him win.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
If you can think of a swear word, chances are Chuck Norris invented it while in bed with your mother.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't get invited to participate in orgies, orgies get invited to participate with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was talking in full sentences, walking and running, and fully potty-trained at the incredibly young age of six months. He learned all of these feats approximately six months after mastering 'the roundhouse kick. '
In 1954, the Japanese government decided to pay tribute to Chuck Norris and made a biographical film about his life. They titled it "Godzilla".
Due to political correctness, U. S. currency will now read "In Chuck Norris We Trust. "
At a press conference, a reporter asked Chuck Norris if he spoke any foreign languages. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the reporter in the face, killing him instantly. He then turned to the audience and said "I speak two languages, English and Roundhouse-Kick-to-the-Face. "
Ares, the Greek God of war and Athena, the Greek Goddess of war produced a son together. They called him "Chuck Norris the Greek God of Roundhouse Kick".
Chuck Norris was sick only once. They called that era "The Cold War. "
The average man can use a razor 7-10 times to shave his face. Chuck Norris uses 7-10 razors to shave around his beard.
Chuck Norris once slept with an under aged 15 year old girl. He was three at the time.
In the event of an emergency, Chuck Norris can inflate his lungs and his chest can be used as a flotation device.
Chuck Norris doesn't go to the bar to pick up women. He goes to the bar to pick out women.
Chuck Norris is not racist. He hates all races, ethnicities, and nationalities the same. Except for the French. He hates them more.
Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris. ”
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
As a teen Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The sun doesn't actually rise or set. Chuck Norris simply claps twice.
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. You do the math.
Chuck Norris cloned himself just to see if he could kick his own ***. The result was the second ice age.
Rather than "good intentions," Chuck Norris paved the road to Hell with the mangled corpses of the Viet Cong.
While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris is the only male to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell "Doom" in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your *** and take your dollar.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets information he wants.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a
canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to
stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
. 
