Divorce Finalized

[DaveHess]

I know this is one off-the-wall post but I am kind of floundering out here with no support. My divorce went final last Wednesday and after 23 years together and an amicable separation, I thought this would be easier. Everything has gone very nicely, if you will. There was never any fighting between us and even now there is none. As she tells me, we grew apart and she did not love me anymore. I don't have any family here and can't afford professional help so how does a guy cope, deal, and go on (I have NO intention of harming myself). My kids are older and do everything with their Mom but I can't get them to do things with me. They talk to me and all but I feel like a spectator. I feel extremely foolish putting this post out there for God and everybody to see and read but there has got to be other members out there that have gone through this and know my confusion, loss, and conflicting emotions. I don't really know what I am looking for.



Sorry about the long post.

 

[kenny61]

I gotta get going but didnt want to leave you alone out there so this will be short...



Life goes on with or without you, if you choose not to participate in it, it will pass you by. Get on with your life and live it as you want if your family wishes to be part of it fine if not it sucks but there is nothing you can do about how others feel about you. don't be selfish but do the things you want. time heals all wounds some just take longer

 

[fox]

Your not alone.

I went thru it too.

ex got closer to MY family and pretty much avoided them before.

But it time, they are all coming around and tell me they watched the crap for years. Go easy, it will take time.

Show up at thier places and get involved.

 

[pullya]

I agree with Kenny. I would recommend that you continue to stay busy with work and close friends. Time alone and dwelling on things and trying to second guess what has happened and/or why will do no good right now--IMO. Somedays will seem as though they will never end, walking around an empty house or apartment, going out to meals by yourself, driving places alone, etc etc will all remind you of your situation. I guess you just learn to deal with it, as a lot of us did, and as Kenny said, time will help. Remember, you are in control now, you decide what and when you do things. Im confident that you will make correct decisions. Good luck, if nothing else you always have us----the good, bad, and/or the ugly.

Jay

 

[Wygate]

I don't know if you are a religious man, but a pastor's counsel is free. If you don't belong to a church, maybe a friend does that likes their pastor, rabbi or priest that you could make an appointment with to talk to?



As far as your children go - I don't think it is ever too late to reach out and at least attempt to have a closer relationship. You may be surprised at the response you get. I think it just ends up that kids wind up (generally) being closer to their mother. No matter how progressive the family, the woman usually ends up being the primary caregiver of the children, and the man is there for backup (or as you feel - a spectator. )



Don't know if you are into sports at all, but this might be a good time to join the local bowling league, golf scramble, slow pitch league... ... . or volunteer a few hours a week at your local shelter walking some dogs. Just something new and different to occupy your time (and mind. )



Best of luck to you.



Melissa

 

[jgillott]

Dave,



First of all, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to those who will listen. Sometimes, help for a problem can come just from the process of putting it in to words and letting out some of the frustration you are feeling.



A good first step for anyone that is going through a rough stretch is to focus on things that only you can control. As others have mentioned. This may be a good time to get involved in a sport or activity that you enjoy or even join a gym. You may be surprised at how many other things may fall in to place once you find an activity that you are interested in and enjoy for you.

 

[AClayton]

I am currently going through the same situation also. My separation went over without a hitch and so far,things are not out-of-hand. As previously mentioned,the constant reminders of being alone in your home,and eating out solo as well as the separation anxiety from the children can all be overwhelming at times. To counter-act my issues,I absorbed myself in work and make time to visit MY family for a change because that was something the X never wanted to do. I see my kids as often as 3 nights a week... . and being toddlers,they try to understand the situation but simply cannot. We both get the interesting questions about why this has happened and why the X and I don't get our 'morning kiss' as they call it!! Time heals all wounds and even after 6mos. for me,I still have episodes where I wonder why the hell a grown man can get a little emotional. It is very tough!!I have planned more atv trips in the spring and even joined a gym to aid in keeping my mind off of it. My TDR time even suffered up until very recently..... I am gradually getting back into this again. I used to be on here 3 or 4 times daily!!



Anyway Good luck and stay busy!!





Alan

 

[fest3er]

Dave, a permanent separation like that is very much like losing a limb. It'll be a long time before you stop 'expecting' her to be there. (Neurally, it takes time for the feedback loops to desensitize, thus fading the expectation). So remember to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Keep answering yourself calmly, "Oh, yeah. She's not here any more. " When it gets to be too much, just wander into the Politics forum; either you'll decide your troubles aren't so bad after all or you'll at least be distracted long enough for your neural feedback loops to settle down a bit.

Something that worked for me a time or two (for situations different from yours, but similar at the same time): write a song, poem or short story, or draw or paint a picture, or make something out of metal, wood or other medium. In this story, ballad, picture or other object, record your thoughts, emotions, feelings and memories of your marriage that once was. As you put these things into your creation, you'll also be moving them to a corner of your mind where you know they'll be and you can visit if you feel like it, but otherwise they'll stay out of your life. Once you complete your project, you'll be able to look at it and calmly say, "Yes, that embodies that which once was but is no more. " Then put it away. Now and again you'll stumble across it, look it over and think, "Yup. That's what was. Now where's that blame cordless drill I'm looking for?"

And don't forget to laugh every day.

 

[bheiting]

Some women just don't know what they want. Chances are, once she realizes that
you were a good guy, she'll want you back. Don't let her turn the kids against you.
They are yours too, and they need a father. The love of my life left me years ago.
Eventually she decided I was the one, but I didn't think she was serious. I believe
I made a mistake. Get involved with a club, or friends at work, but stay active and
don't let it eat a hole in you. It's a good sign that you are willing to open up on the
forum, but friends are better.

 

[AMink]

I've been lucky that I haven't had to face your situation. If I did, I'd probably get a dog, assuming I didn't get to keep the one I have. It sounds silly, but a good dog means you're not coming home to an empty house. And the dog doesn't care when you come home. And they're always happy to see you. Good luck, I've seen friends go through this and they all come out OK.

 

[Bill Lins]

Hang in there, Dave. BT & DT, & thought the world had ended. Years & one GOOD woman later, I've realized my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.



Don't worry about the kids- just stay in contact & let them know you love them. They'll figure it out in time. DO NOT EVER say anything bad about their mother when/where they can hear you, and don't worry about what she might be telling them- that's something you can't control &, like I said, they'll figure it out as they get older. Good luck.

 

[Skydiver]

I went through this in June 1990.
Just stay focused. Don't get involved with people that are lessor that you or the good people will shun you.
After I got a divorce a beautiful lady that I dated in high school was in the same boat. We dated for 4 months. That was a lesson in life as she had became an unstabil bar fly. I go to bars about once every 3 years and could not see my life in there. I don't think I've been to a bar in 5 years.
Love is blind. In 4-6 months you will begin to see what really happened. 23 years is a long time. I was married the first time for 9 years.
When my X left me for another man I had hopes she would return. After six months went by, I would not take her back for $1M.
Dave Don't feel guilty. Just stay focused and move on with your life. You are your best friend. If you like yourself others will like you.
When I remarried in December 92 I missed the peacefulness of my apt. We all adjust. I now have a very smart wife. She is not perfect. No one is. Her son adopted me to be his father when he was 8 years old. I told him to think about it for 1 month and get back to me. He ask me again to be his father. I'm glad he did. I tried to talk his natural father about his drinking and not being a father. I told him that if he would do his job as a father it would make my life easier. He signed over his son. He had a choice in court of going to jail or paying the $13000 in past due child support. He chose the ink pen.
Sorry to ramble. Every man has a story.
EDIT: ditto on don't ever say anything bad about the childrens mother.

 

[DaveHess]

I can't put into words my appreciation and thankfullness for all my TDR friends. Their is so much wisdom and support in the above posts and I can't tell you all how much all your responses mean to me. I literally was hesitant to come onto the website this morning because I felt foolish for posting this in the first place and secondly I was "downloading" an emotional wreck onto a group of folks that have better things to do. Thank you, each and every one of you. And Neil, thanks for the laugh regarding going onto the Politics forum. Reading some of those threads always make me realize things on my side of the fence are never quite as bad as I think!

 

[fox]

My divorce was almost three years ago.

My ex's family had been very cold to me, or avoided me completely.

I anounced my engagement to a wonderful lady last week, and now they -the exs family--come forward and wish me luck and a good future. They also said my ex was the one that was hard to put up with, not me.

hat healed a lot!!!



It will happen in time.

BTW, I waited more than a decade because I was sure my PARENTS would give me fits.

They are my strongest allie.

 

[GHarman]

Hang in there!

DaveHess, Dont give up. Keep on going! GOD has a plan for you. We dont always know what that plan is, but there is a HIGHER POWER in control, here. You cant do anything about the situation, other than being available for your children. Try to compartmentalize what you cant deal with, today. Each day or week or month, as you find strength, visit the issues and deal with what you can. Ask the LORD for strength. I have not gone through a divorce, but I live with a situation that requires strength from the LORD to maintain that relationship for the sake of a Covenant relationship. I cannot change my Wife. That change must come from her heart. My boy will be the one to suffer, if we fail. Maturity and more than a commitment are not always to be found in a prospective mate. GregH

 

[SRath]

Don't forget to laugh a little

Even the rich and famous are not immune; so money clearly doesn't buy love or happiness.

 

[mrtrombley]

Dave, I may be little off the wall myself, but try looking at the situation in a positive light! If you are old enough, this may be the time for you to just go off and do what YOU want to do rather than what everyone else expects of you. Is there something you have always wanted to do but formerly couldn't because of marriage or family constraints.



I went through this in 1993. I ended up leaving my job (early retirement??), bought an RV and went out as a "contractor" doing the same type of work. I have been all over this country now and never looked back. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder because I now have a much better relationship with my kids and now get to do much more with them (and my grandkids) then before.



At first I kinda felt selfish but then realized that it was up to me to see if I could enjoy life. I had a passion for travelling and finally found a way to do it.



So, think about it. Maybe it is time to do something for you. That's my 2 cents.



Good Luck

 

[DaveHess]

You all have no idea how much you have lifted me since yesterday!!! I sit here shaking my head because yesterday I was in this all by myself and now today I have found a community never thinking a bunch of "trucks" could bring me spiritual wisdom (Thanks Greg), excellent humor (SRath), and solid advice (the rest of you!) Thank you all from the deepest of my heart.

 

[GHarman]

The Master is the Master of ALL!

DaveHess, The LORD has no issue with trucks! HE is THE MASTER MECHANICOo. ! GregH

 

[The patriot]

OK, I'll be the idiot post here.

If it were me I'd go out and have a good time. Dont get yourself in trouble (or any women) but do things that you may not have been able to that you may have wanted to.

Yes, stay close to family too.

I havent been through divorce and dont plan to.