E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

[FOXY005]

Bill & Hillary at the Ball Game



Bill and Hillary are at the New York Yankee’s season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.

The agent then says, Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy.

Bill hesitates.……….
but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, O-Kay!
If that is what the people want.

Come here Hilly baby.

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, & screaming, I'll kill you! You dirty Rotten **/!%*$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what’s wrong.

The agent replies, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first “Pitch”.

 

[BSeyler]

For all of you animal lovers out there:

 

[mwilson]

Like this one...

 

[TFucili]

Like this one...


View attachment 95001

You forgot the "flat-hat", Mike!

 

[Mikey-KE7LBB]

Like this one...


View attachment 95001

Ahh.. The shower in a can, bling, big wheels, and skinny jeans are reason enough for an ask whooping lol!!

The only thing that is useful in the photo is the bottle of Armor All... If you have vinyl seats, it will teach your passengers the importance of seat belt use in short order!!! :-laf:-laf

 

[jhenderson]

I was in high school when Armor All came out. I put a healthy dose on my motorcycle seat. Hard lesson learned.

 

[EDankievitch]

I was in high school when Armor All came out. I put a healthy dose on my motorcycle seat. Hard lesson learned.

Brings a whole new meaning to" road rash".....

 

[RUSSELL5000]

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

 

[mwilson]

Just a couple before I start on the chore list...

 

[Deleted member 995608]

You forgot the "flat-hat", Mike!

And stacks.....must have stacks

 

[mwilson]

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife. The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have
a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible
bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if
they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have
experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the
children," she went on, "and every move caused him
terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to
hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a
quivering voice, “Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the
hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to
say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I
just want to tell my wife the word is
Sternum."

 

[bigceltic]

That was a good one!

:-laf :-laf :-laf

 

[GCroyle]

Potatoes Patatows.

Good one Mikey.

 

[mwilson]

A few more that I have collected....

 

[mwilson]

Just in, courtesy of a Facebook friend...

 

[fest3er]

The Calif. D.O.T found over 2000 dead crows on on Calif highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds' beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. After much study and field research, the behaviorist concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "cah", not a single one could shout "bike".

 

[fest3er]

The Calif. D.O.T found over 2000 dead crows on on Calif highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds' beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. After much study and field research, the behaviorist concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "cah", not a single one could shout "bike".

 

[Superdawg]

WALKS INTO A BAR... THREE TESTS


A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

 

[FOXY005]

Good One Dawg !

 

[GAmes]

Could have been me.