Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
"Mad Max"
TDR MEMBER
This has probably been around before, but it's too funny not to bump again. I added a couple of my own at the bottom - feel free to bump with your own additions!
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching metal parts out of your hands smacking you squarely in the chest while concurrently flinging your beer across the room, splattering your homebrew against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch... . "
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes, or spraining your wrists.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters and bloody knuckles.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the opposite end of the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which
were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly breakes it off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that
you will need. This tool is often used repeatedly, especially after it lands on your freshly painted hood 30 feet away, and can often times be used uncontrollably until it goes through the window... again.
EXPLETIVE: A verbal balm also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied at the top of ones lungs in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
**********************************************************
I'll add a couple of my own...
WELDER: Extremely handy device for transferring expensive metallic parts into molten lava, and also very handy for producing convenient air vents in
any nearby clothing. Can also be used to fuse one piece of metal to another, or cauterizing skin.
4-1/2" ANGLE GRINDER: Also known as a "Death Wheel", this device is most
commonly known for its tremendous ability to draw blood. It is also useful for cutting or removing metal. Of note, leather gloves are highly recommended while using a Death Wheel though sometimes irrelevant. Death Wheels are very commonly used in conjunction with liberal amounts of EXPLETIVE, and are singularly responsible for sustaining the Neosporin and Band-Aid industries.
CHOW SAW: Particularly useful for making very precise cuts on metal tubing,
and for starting fires in any cloth or rag pile within a 20' radius. Also noted for testing one's ability to withstand multiple impacts of flaming debris. See SHOP GLASSES.
BENCH GRINDER: Often regarded as the single most useful tool in most shops,
this device is almost solely used for removing mistakes made with a welder, a responsibility also shared with a Death Wheel. Also see "Wire Wheel".
JACK STAND: Extremely useful piece of equipment for sustaining weight easily doubling the rated capacity. Very useful for relocating heavy objects directly to one side or the other at a distance equal to the height of the stand.
AIR GUN: Known for its 'clean-up' ability, this handy device is most commonly used for moving any mess from one area to another. Very handy for cleaning one self off after a long day in the shop, or carrying ones favorite ball cap to a location only accessible by a 40' extension ladder. Also very useful for a multitude of diverse and uncommon textures in freshly sprayed paint.
SHOP VACUUM: Also known for its 'clean-up' ability, this device is very often used directly following use of an Air Gun. Also handy for magically removing seemingly heavy items (sockets, screwdrivers, and any nuts/bolts just cleaned with a Wire Wheel), as well as any nearby clothing and rags, never to be seen again. When in reverse, has same effect as an Air Gun.
SHOP GLASSES: Often an underrated accessory, these devices are most commonly known for countering visual effects of an Angle Grinder, Chop Saw,
Bench Grinder, and Air Gun. Often discounted as an actual useful tool, these devices are discredited based on the extraordinary abilities of flaming debris beating the odds of actually reaching ones eyes.
- M2
******************************************************
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching metal parts out of your hands smacking you squarely in the chest while concurrently flinging your beer across the room, splattering your homebrew against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch... . "
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes, or spraining your wrists.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters and bloody knuckles.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the opposite end of the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which
were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly breakes it off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that
you will need. This tool is often used repeatedly, especially after it lands on your freshly painted hood 30 feet away, and can often times be used uncontrollably until it goes through the window... again.
EXPLETIVE: A verbal balm also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied at the top of ones lungs in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
**********************************************************
I'll add a couple of my own...
WELDER: Extremely handy device for transferring expensive metallic parts into molten lava, and also very handy for producing convenient air vents in
any nearby clothing. Can also be used to fuse one piece of metal to another, or cauterizing skin.
4-1/2" ANGLE GRINDER: Also known as a "Death Wheel", this device is most
commonly known for its tremendous ability to draw blood. It is also useful for cutting or removing metal. Of note, leather gloves are highly recommended while using a Death Wheel though sometimes irrelevant. Death Wheels are very commonly used in conjunction with liberal amounts of EXPLETIVE, and are singularly responsible for sustaining the Neosporin and Band-Aid industries.
CHOW SAW: Particularly useful for making very precise cuts on metal tubing,
and for starting fires in any cloth or rag pile within a 20' radius. Also noted for testing one's ability to withstand multiple impacts of flaming debris. See SHOP GLASSES.
BENCH GRINDER: Often regarded as the single most useful tool in most shops,
this device is almost solely used for removing mistakes made with a welder, a responsibility also shared with a Death Wheel. Also see "Wire Wheel".
JACK STAND: Extremely useful piece of equipment for sustaining weight easily doubling the rated capacity. Very useful for relocating heavy objects directly to one side or the other at a distance equal to the height of the stand.
AIR GUN: Known for its 'clean-up' ability, this handy device is most commonly used for moving any mess from one area to another. Very handy for cleaning one self off after a long day in the shop, or carrying ones favorite ball cap to a location only accessible by a 40' extension ladder. Also very useful for a multitude of diverse and uncommon textures in freshly sprayed paint.
SHOP VACUUM: Also known for its 'clean-up' ability, this device is very often used directly following use of an Air Gun. Also handy for magically removing seemingly heavy items (sockets, screwdrivers, and any nuts/bolts just cleaned with a Wire Wheel), as well as any nearby clothing and rags, never to be seen again. When in reverse, has same effect as an Air Gun.
SHOP GLASSES: Often an underrated accessory, these devices are most commonly known for countering visual effects of an Angle Grinder, Chop Saw,
Bench Grinder, and Air Gun. Often discounted as an actual useful tool, these devices are discredited based on the extraordinary abilities of flaming debris beating the odds of actually reaching ones eyes.
- M2
