promisedland
TDR MEMBER
Time for BLACK coffee....
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E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....
- Thread starter mwilson
- Start Date
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mwilson
TDR MEMBER
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his
deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet *** it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room..
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves,
you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. '
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!
you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. '
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!
GAmes
TDR MEMBER
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
GAmes
TDR MEMBER
THE OLD PILOT
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted"
sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying MIG
CAP back in ' Nam', but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was
gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at
O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had
been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.
So, why not give him a try.
The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons
snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was
silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the
bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of
the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You",
he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote
it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just
went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the
place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause,
downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was
called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was
enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,
"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline",
excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the
job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted"
sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying MIG
CAP back in ' Nam', but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was
gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at
O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had
been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.
So, why not give him a try.
The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons
snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was
silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the
bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of
the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You",
he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote
it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just
went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the
place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause,
downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was
called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was
enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,
"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline",
excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the
job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
Grey Wolf
TDR MEMBER
Hope it hasn't been around...
Cowboy Logic
Old Cowboy
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
Cowboy Logic
Old Cowboy
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often – and usually for the same reason.
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often – and usually for the same reason.
mwilson
TDR MEMBER
From my Facebook feed this morning...Now this is a TRACTOR!!!!
https://www.facebook.com/theofficialawesomejelly/videos/866860573442359/
https://www.facebook.com/theofficialawesomejelly/videos/866860573442359/
TFucili
TDR MEMBER
Is that a 'tater digger in Aroostook County, Mike?
promisedland
TDR MEMBER
WOW!! Life in the fast lane! 
Last edited:
promisedland
TDR MEMBER
Hey! you beat me ! :-laf I looked this one up to post and here it is! 
GAmes
TDR MEMBER
probably based on a true story...
Being Irish
#ad
Eight-year-old Muhammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Muhammad," he replied.
“You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher. "So from now on
You will be known as Mick."
Muhammad returned home after school.......
"How was your day, Muhammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Muhammad........ I'm in Ireland,
And now my name is Mick."
"Are you ashamed of your name?
Are you trying to Dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?
Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Muhammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Mick?", she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f........ Muslims."
#adEight-year-old Muhammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Muhammad," he replied.
“You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher. "So from now on
You will be known as Mick."
Muhammad returned home after school.......
"How was your day, Muhammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Muhammad........ I'm in Ireland,
And now my name is Mick."
"Are you ashamed of your name?
Are you trying to Dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?
Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Muhammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Mick?", she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f........ Muslims."
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Issue 128 – Digital Version
Digital Magazines
FREE!
TDR Test Drive - Digital Edition
Renew
Subscribe
Gift Subscriptions
Back Issues
Subscription Status
Address Change Form
Buyer's Guides
Ram Diagnostic Trouble Codes
The Perfect Collection
The Perfect Collection Vol. II
TSB Updates
Dodge/Cummins Historical Overview
Cameron Collection
What Makes Us Tick?
Product Showcase
Advertising
