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E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....
- Thread starter mwilson
- Start Date
Attention: TDR Forum Junkies To the point: Click this link and check out the Front Page News story(ies) where we are tracking the introduction of the 2025 Ram HD trucks.
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GAmes
TDR MEMBER
Several months ago one of my grandkids asked me when the internet actually started. I didn’t know so, began to research it Here’s the surprising answer ...
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE; PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE
THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a homely woman,
large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be
made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price,
without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS),
and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures –
Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was
so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others" And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,
or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE; PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE
THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a homely woman,
large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be
made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price,
without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS),
and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures –
Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was
so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others" And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,
or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.
Blu-meanie
TDR MEMBER
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s*** out of them and eat'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"
"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. By the time you finish shaking the s*** out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an ***hole and a briefcase."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s*** out of them and eat'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"
"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. By the time you finish shaking the s*** out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an ***hole and a briefcase."
D
Deleted member 995608
Guest
Blu-meanie......... LOL
A crusty old aviator found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the pilot for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the pilot said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The aviator's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The pilot just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The aviator continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
Then, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
"No," the pilot said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The aviator's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The pilot just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The aviator continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
Then, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
The crew of a British Airways A380 Flt 268 made a wrong turn during taxi for departure at Heathrow, and came nose to nose with another aircraft. The furious ground controller (a female) started yelling: "Speedbird 268" where are you going? I instructed you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there"
Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: " It'll take forever to sort this out due to your screw up. Hold your position and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I expect you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"
The frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence... "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: " It'll take forever to sort this out due to your screw up. Hold your position and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I expect you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"
The frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence... "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a *statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
*
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a *statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
*
My darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Home Depot, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pickup came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife,
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called while you were away.
Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Home Depot, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pickup came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife,
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called while you were away.
This may be old, but....
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie, of course, says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!"
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie, of course, says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!"
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Why is a ship called She?
A ship is called a “she” because there is always a great deal of bustle around her; there is usually a gang of men about. She has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good; she can be all decked out; it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep. It takes an experienced man to handle her correctly; without a man at the helm she is absolutely uncontrollable. She often shows her topsides, hides her bottom, and when coming into port, always heads for the buoys.
A ship is called a “she” because there is always a great deal of bustle around her; there is usually a gang of men about. She has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good; she can be all decked out; it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep. It takes an experienced man to handle her correctly; without a man at the helm she is absolutely uncontrollable. She often shows her topsides, hides her bottom, and when coming into port, always heads for the buoys.
A friend of mine once commented on a gussied up girl. " Her rigging is worth more than her hull".
mwilson
TDR MEMBER
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.
"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
Once again..... don't mess with seniors.
"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
Once again..... don't mess with seniors.
BoeingDiesel
TDR MEMBER
More truth...than fiction
Many years ago on a long trans-continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.
She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"
He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my ******* advice, he'll ask me."
:-laf
Many years ago on a long trans-continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.
She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"
He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my ******* advice, he'll ask me."
:-laf
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Issue 128 – Digital Version
Digital Magazines
FREE!
TDR Test Drive - Digital Edition
Renew
Subscribe
Gift Subscriptions
Back Issues
Subscription Status
Address Change Form
Buyer's Guides
Ram Diagnostic Trouble Codes
The Perfect Collection
The Perfect Collection Vol. II
TSB Updates
Dodge/Cummins Historical Overview
Cameron Collection
What Makes Us Tick?
Product Showcase
Advertising
