My wife passed away :(

[TMyers]

I read this thread yesterday and said a prayer for you and your daughter. I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom at an early age. We often hear people complain about how bad they have it... They are clueless of how bad it can truly get.

 

[Bill Lins]

 

[crispyboy]

Stay strong, keep the Faith and take care of your daughter - she will really need you now and the next few challenging teenage years.
A prayer for your wife:
Eternal Rest, grant to them, O Lord. And let perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.

 

[mwilson]

Thump,
Missed this earlier in the week. I'm so sorry for your loss and pretty much at a loss for words.

Know that we all are thinking of and praying for you.

Mike.

 

[kcv67]

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Thump]

Continued thanks, folks.
Our daughter and I are going through the motions, but not really living a life right now.
I'm set to try and return to work Monday the 25th. That should be interesting, to say the least.

The most troubling part right now is finding help to take care of our daughter so I can get to work. I'll be working from home a couple or few days a week now. I have to say my company has been awesome through all of this. From handling the life insurance claim at work to reviewing all the medical bill stuff to be sure my out of pocket max is met properly and that the billing is all straight.
Should have the trust and conservator paperwork next week, ensuring our daughter is taken care of if I go early, too. Otherwise, it locks up some assets to be sure college is paid for for her.

 

[jgillott]

The most troubling part right now is finding help to take care of our daughter so I can get to work. I'll be working from home a couple or few days a week now.

Do you have a YMCA in your area? If you do, give them a call. Most have summer day camp programming that would allow you to get to work and give your daughter a structured setting and activities to help occupy her mind a little.

I've been board president of our local Y for years and I can tell you that we have approximately 100 kids a day in one of our camp programs at our facility alone. My 12 year old and 3 year old both participate in some of the programs weekly and they just love it. My oldest daughter is there daily in fact.

Best of luck again as you move forward.

 

[Thump]

The closest Y to me/work is quite a distance away from my commute.
I have been researching nannies (part time, after school) to handle her for the q.5 hours I went be hone, yet. Dang, those get pricey fast

 

[Dutch & Di]

I read your heartbreaking post just today and I can feel your pain. You all did what you thought was right but our medical system is flawed and their lack of sense of urgency cost your wife precious time. While you can never live in regret, please know that most of us have lived thru some thing similar I stepped up and said stop. I still have but it was scary to stand up as we were taught to trust the doctors and nurses. My heart goes out to you and your daughter and I do appreciate your sharing your loss with us. I wish I could not more. Hugs, Di

 

[Tuesdak]

Your grief hits pretty close to home. We will throw some of it in the back of the 1 ton for you.

Your Daughter needs you now to get through this. Some ideas would be to look into another dog immediately as an emotional therapy dog (official or not) or perhaps a new passion taking said dog to competitions. Dog shows and the lesser known Competitive Obedience. Classes for training can give someone something to look forward too. Just saying it worked long ago for family member that age. Extreme 2+ hours of self training at home every day after school got through some real rough times. Even after that dog passed away at 16 YO the replacement 2 shelter dogs wound up well trained. Sit so automatic it's literally via ESP. Funny useful drag laundry from rooms to the washer... Some like to wait on replacement dogs, but, I suggest the total overall need may be greater now than the short term grief. Shelter dog rescue is the "in" thing now and a local trainer may have some ideas for a dog. (Warning of sorts: Rescue dogs may take more training depending on their situation before. One we got was so abused she wouldn't even sniff at you in the shelter. Learned how to be a dog again. ) Just saying goals/therapy beyond the normal "warm fuzzy" of a pet dog may work miracles.

 

[Thump]

I'm thinking a dog will be too much to handle right now. Just having the cat is enough extra for Laurel and I right now.
Tonia and I had discussed no more animals. Once the cat was gone, Laurel would be out on her own (hopefully) and we could travel like we used to.
Now, it will be Laurel and I taking trips when we csn

 

[Thump]

I have to admit. Going through this really messed you up. Everything is a mess in my head and I, literally, feel like there is a void inside me. Not the metaphorical sense, but breath isn't as full, my heart doesn't pump right, my mind doesn't work properly.
I can now understand why long-time married older couples often die not long apart. I'm in my mid forties and am completely run down and run over by this.
I've sought help, but they wanted me to take a pill. After over a decade on meds for pain, I'll only take meds via IV. There has to be another way to get through this. I'm not sure what it is, but it must exist.

 

[DavidC]

Church counseling maybe ?

Dave

 

[Michaelsloft]

I have to admit. Going through this really messed you up. Everything is a mess in my head and I, literally, feel like there is a void inside me. Not the metaphorical sense, but breath isn't as full, my heart doesn't pump right, my mind doesn't work properly.
I can now understand why long-time married older couples often die not long apart. I'm in my mid forties and am completely run down and run over by this.
I've sought help, but they wanted me to take a pill. After over a decade on meds for pain, I'll only take meds via IV. There has to be another way to get through this. I'm not sure what it is, but it must exist.

X2 Church counseling may be able to help.

 

[jgillott]

I have to admit. Going through this really messed you up. Everything is a mess in my head and I, literally, feel like there is a void inside me. Not the metaphorical sense, but breath isn't as full, my heart doesn't pump right, my mind doesn't work properly.
I can now understand why long-time married older couples often die not long apart. I'm in my mid forties and am completely run down and run over by this.
I've sought help, but they wanted me to take a pill. After over a decade on meds for pain, I'll only take meds via IV. There has to be another way to get through this. I'm not sure what it is, but it must exist.

First you must realize that it is OK to feel the way that you do. Our culture has sort of programmed us that it isn't OK to hurt so we try and convince ourselves that we must rid ourselves of it as quickly as possible. In reality, time and faith are the only things that will truly work to heal your pain.

As others have mentioned, maybe seek out some additional help through your church or local grief center.

Remember that there are a whole bunch of us out there that have never met you but are praying for you and your daughter daily. It may not seem like much, but we are there for you, our prayers are there for you, and our collective faith will see you through this.

I find the Beatitudes comforting in times of trouble.....

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek,
for they shall possess the earth.
Blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice,
for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart,
for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called children of God.
Blessed are they who suffer persecution for justice' sake,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when men reproach you,
and persecute you,
and speaking falsely, say all manner of evil against you, for My sake.

 

[fest3er]

... There has to be another way to get through this. I'm not sure what it is, but it must exist.

If I may offer my layman's ideas.... The hole, the emptiness, is completely normal and readily explained. During the years you knew each other, your neural net developed a 'set' as it were. Its feed-forward and feed-back reinforcement loops developed expectations that included your wife's presence in many ways (voice, appearance, ideas, faults, strengths, et alia). The lack of her inputs to your neural net is the source of your 'emptiness'. There are things you can do to speed your recovery.

• When you have a question only she could answer, look to your heart; her answers are there.
• Remind yourself now and again that it was inevitable because, sooner or later, nearly all people die. (If you're a man of a certain faith, you'll know one person who didn't die.)
• Employ humor because laughter is the best medicine. Don't wait for people to ask; you know they want to but don't want to rekindle your hurt. Tell people you are working on improving your aim so you don't miss her so much. Tell people--even your daughter--with a straight face that you're totally lost and are going to start dating a Chinese lady to orient yourself. (Damn, I should've thought of this one 1½ years ago after Dad died. But I can still tell people I'm still feeling somewhat lost and might adopt an otctagenarian Vietnamese gentleman for that purpose.) See how long it takes them to figure it out and laugh.
• In your mind, build a corner hutch. On its shelves, place your memories of your wife. This'll put them in one place where you can easily visit them, and it will move them aside from your daily routines. (Neurally, you are conditioning the 'daily routine' part of your net to dampen the unfulfilled feed-back and feed-forward loops that are no longer triggered while not burying the memories. You are encouraging certain recent-ish memories to transition to long-term memory quicker.)

It will still take time. But taking such steps will shorten the time needed and gently remind you that you do need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start moving forward again. (Besides, if you don't move for long enough, they--including the cats in the neighborhood--might cover you with dirt.)

 

[Tuesdak]

Find another counselor rather than the "pill pusher" you stumbled on. Nothing wrong with asking for help with the grief. I respect and admire your courage to do so like you are now. IMO you can visit a therapist and talk for an hour without having to take pills. However modern medicine can help - just make sure there is a plan to get back off the meds. This is why I suggested a Emotional Therapy Dog and understand it's a big commitment that may not work for everyone: Case in point there are several ways to work through this. It's not going to be easy.

 

[promisedland]

Good advise^^^ Be slow to 'med' yourself, grief needs to be walked through.
When my dad was ill and even after he passed, my mom would'nt let the family talk about it, ''We had to be/talk positive!''
This ended up hurting us as a family as we couldnt communicate about the realities of life.

 

[Lynx0849]

Back in ‘08 my wife of 38 years passed away from cancer.

I dropped off the face of the earth for about a month. Friends kept tugging me back to the light but, as you said, there was a big hole.
I did get some antidepressants which helped though left me a bit dull but they made it so I could at least function while my brain healed somewhat from my loss.
After a couple of months, in council with my doctor I weaned myself off of the pills and aside from a crying jag once in a while, am fine.
I got reacquainted with an old woman friend who was separated from her drunken husband and we healed each other.

It gets better.


Pro

 

[Timd32]

Our church had a group that got together regularly the program was called Grief Share, they have a web site and have groups all over.

https://www.griefshare.org

Keeping you and your family in our prayers.