rbattelle
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Fart ??
- Thread starter lschultz
- Start Date
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bighammer
Super Moderator
Ever had so much pent up gas (like when you're on a date with a gal for the 1st time or something... . ) and you can literally feel it and hear it making its way towards the 'end'?
I blame the noise on my stomach... . seems to work well so far!
Matt
My wife won't let me forget I farted on our first date.
We were walking down the street in Ann Arbor and somehow at the critical moment, there was no trafficm or any other noise to cover it. I was talking and tried not to break my stride, (as I split the wind) and thought I had actually masked it. (she was just too polite to acknowlege it at the time 
)
bighammer
Super Moderator
Gramma and Grampa were seated together during the Sunday service when she leaned over and whispered "I let out a silent fart, what should I do?" He thought for a moment and in a loud voice said "Get a new hearing aid battery!"
:-laf
one of my favorites i think the pig kinda looks like my cummins taking off
A while back I was talking to my boss' grandpa. He lit two of the nastiest sounding and looooong farts I have EVER heard. Thought he was going to need a diaper, that sounded that bad. They souned like wet ones. :--) It was all I could to to keep a straight face and not laugh out loud. As soon as I was in my truck to head home, I bust out laughing, so hard in fact, it made my eyes water. Glad I was up wind. Oo.
The substance that oozes out on the wet ones is called Bun Butter,,
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By LUKAS I. ALPERT, Wire Services
Posted: 4:08 am
September 25, 2008
That's just rude.
West Virginia police charged a man they were arresting for driving drunk with a count of battery after he farted at one of the officers.
José Cruz was resisting police at the station when he lifted his leg and passed wind on an officer, cops said. The criminal complaint noted the odor was "very strong. "
Posted: 4:08 am
September 25, 2008
That's just rude.
West Virginia police charged a man they were arresting for driving drunk with a count of battery after he farted at one of the officers.
José Cruz was resisting police at the station when he lifted his leg and passed wind on an officer, cops said. The criminal complaint noted the odor was "very strong. "
I have some bragging rights myself!!!
The GF has a miniature dachshund that likes to sleep under the covers... . Yes, y'all know where this is going!:-laf So on a good night, after eating some high octane food, such as the Chicken Alfredo I had tonight, I will get cozy in bed, and once I relax, the belly starts churning away, making some ripe, rank, good ol' methane! Her dog will get under the covers and get nice and cozy. . I usually wait for her dog to fall asleep, then start furmigating away!!! What you do, is let 'er rip, wait a second, and use a leg to lift up the blanket to suck in some fresh air, hold it a second, and let it collapse... not only do you get the GF in the process, the air under the covers has been totally circulated, and there is nowhere safe! It takes about anywhere from 5 to 10 seconds after this, and her dog will wake up, and come out from under the covers for fresh air... It works everytime!
You can also play "Dutch Oven"--- In which you fart under the covers, slide out and tell the GF to get under the covers, you are about to fart... then hold her under the covers... :-laf:-laf:-laf I have not figured out why she gets mad when I try this!
Sorry, I am a prankster.
-Chris-
The GF has a miniature dachshund that likes to sleep under the covers... . Yes, y'all know where this is going!:-laf So on a good night, after eating some high octane food, such as the Chicken Alfredo I had tonight, I will get cozy in bed, and once I relax, the belly starts churning away, making some ripe, rank, good ol' methane! Her dog will get under the covers and get nice and cozy. . I usually wait for her dog to fall asleep, then start furmigating away!!! What you do, is let 'er rip, wait a second, and use a leg to lift up the blanket to suck in some fresh air, hold it a second, and let it collapse... not only do you get the GF in the process, the air under the covers has been totally circulated, and there is nowhere safe! It takes about anywhere from 5 to 10 seconds after this, and her dog will wake up, and come out from under the covers for fresh air... It works everytime!
You can also play "Dutch Oven"--- In which you fart under the covers, slide out and tell the GF to get under the covers, you are about to fart... then hold her under the covers... :-laf:-laf:-laf I have not figured out why she gets mad when I try this!
Sorry, I am a prankster.
-Chris-
rereading those old posts = my chest hurting from laughing... good times. .
I ran across this the other day, and thought it was too good not to share... :-laf
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist…… can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water…. . often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist…… can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water…. . often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Found elsewhere-
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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Weekend before last, I was helping my dad and uncle re-roof the pump house. Dad was on a short ladder and I was on the ground behind him when he farted.
I asked WTF, and he just snickered.
Reminded me of this-
YouTube - The Big One- Confederate Railroad
:-laf
I asked WTF, and he just snickered.
Reminded me of this-
YouTube - The Big One- Confederate Railroad
:-laf
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A while back I made up a batch of "Sloppy Doe" - can Manwich + venison burger (venison + 35% pork in my case). That stuff plus something else I ate that day gave me some issues. Anywho - I had to coin a new term as a result.
"White caps" - it's what you see in the toilet water when you fart so bad it makes waves.
I still giggle when I think back to that day and coining the phrase.
Cheers,
Matt - I refuse to ever grow up or stop laughing at bathroom humor.
"White caps" - it's what you see in the toilet water when you fart so bad it makes waves.
I still giggle when I think back to that day and coining the phrase.
Cheers,
Matt - I refuse to ever grow up or stop laughing at bathroom humor.
I have done the crop dust many times, but one of the best ones was one time at the local dance hall. My belly was really rumbling and I was out line dancing with some friends. It was one of those fast paced 4 wall line dances where you pretty much use the whole floor and the dance repeats, facing a different wall each time. The music was good and loud so I was not afraid of being heard, so I dropped the bomb. I never smelled it until the dance had progressed around back to where I let it rip. It was STILL disgusting almost two minutes later... AND everyone on the dance floor (probably 40-50 people) had passed through that area by then. I wanted to laugh and gag at the same time! :-laf
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Renew
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Back Issues
Subscription Status
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The Perfect Collection Vol. II
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What Makes Us Tick?
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