Fart ??

[Patriot Diesel]

it does start young...

Just the other day I was walking by the bathroom and I saw my 5 year old son trying to clean something out of his spiderman underwear.



I asked him what he was doing and he replied (a little reluctantly) that he thought he had to "toot" but that when he tooted some poop came out with it.



It took all I had not to burst out laughing. I tried to be serious about it and just replied with, "these things happen, it's OK"... it was the understatement of the year... I'll never forget it.

 

[Steve M]

I must admit, I fart four times a minute. When I was a teenager, I used to get horrible belly aches from holding it in while I was with a date. I would be in so much pain it hurt to walk. The doctor told me I couldn't do that. I had to excuse myself and fart or suffer. I was embarrassed beyond butterflies.

I got past that and told my girlfriends that I was musical from time to time and if she felt the need to fart, by all means do. I'd keep me from feeling so self concious of it and would definately relieve the pain and suffering. Surprisingly enough, this was a relief to every one of them including the two that I married. Gal's fear the same embarrassment. I've laughed alot over the years. It's even funny when girls fart! But not when you intentionally gas someone in a closed room or car. And never when you're trying to be swave or romantic. You ain't gonna win no points there.

So with wife number two here and her teenage son in the other room one night, we got into a farting contest. We were rather musical one after the other when alluva sudden it got real quiet. Then through the darkness we saw her son's shadow creep through the hall and into the bathroom. The light came on and the shower started. I was in tears laughing. When he emerged all cleaned up he told me he was holding his knees to his chest trying to squeak one off to beat mine. You know the rest of the story. He went on to change his sheets and we all had a good night's sleep. I was the champ once again.

 

[TORQUE THIS]

WHY FART AND WASTE IT... WHEN YA CAN BURP AND TASTE IT

 

[JSmith]

Who counts? With ? like this the state of CA. will be taxing them:--)

 

[Jeff H]

Boy we all should get together sometime. :--)

I used to work with a guy who blow a fart. He'd be sitting at his work station. He would gab an air hose and sit on it. Of coures aimed right at me. Peeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuu.

My favorite is bombing the grocery store isles. Then run around the aother side of the isle. Then all of a sudden you here. Jesus #*%#@! smells like sombody **** there pants. Try told hold a laugh on that one.

I was given a good excuse. Its the bio-diesel.

 

[Chipstien]

ROTFLMAO:-laf :-laf :-laf :-laf :-laf :-laf

 

[gitchesum]

Back when I worked at a warehouse, I let loose the worse fart of my life.

The weekend before, I was at a chili cookoff. Well, anyone who has ever been to a Texas Chili Cookoff know that all you do for 2 1/2 days is eat chili and drink beer. THE ENTIRE WEEKEND!!



Well, Monday rolls around and I'm off in a far corner checking in orders. I was in that far corner for a reason. I was hungover and was farting like you wouldn't believe. About 10 minutes later, a co-worker was walking towards me. I felt a big one brewing. I tried to hold it in but I just couldn't hold it in any longer. There was this long deep bellowing sound. Smelled like a truckload of rotton eggs. If I had an H2S monitor on me, I swear it would have been considered a hazardous area. The guys gets about 3 ft from me and literally starts gagging. Then he runs for the nearest trash can. I felt bad for the guy but I couldn't stop laughing. He recovered with no noticable lingering side effects. But he was much more cautious about approaching me on a Monday morning.

 

[Rob Thomas]

Re: Why do your own farts smell so good???

Why do your own farts smell so good???

Originally posted by illflem

You only think your farts smell good because you created them. Your parents probably clapped too loud and long when they were potty training you and now you think that you are hot stuff. Get a grip-you are just an ordinary guy with ordinary farts.

I don't share yer feelings on this illflem, not this morning anyways, wheeeew, bananas and tuna fish, not a good combo. Of course, I didn't mix 'em together, had banana's fer breakfast, then, tuna fer lunch.



BTW, nice noise you added in there, I just wish I didn't hear it at 8:30 in the morning!



Later, I gotta leave the room, Rob:{

 

[lschultz]

Females ?

Any ladies out there that would like to comment on this? Personally I know that when I was younger and dating them they would never do this. But as the years go by things change. Mine can be sound asleep(soon as her head hits the pillow she is out) but I hear these sounds sometime. Wonder what that was?Course she denies it.

And I remember once back when we first got married we were at my mother-in-laws house and I was laying on the couch trying to sleep it off when my mother-in-law sets down on top of my face and guess what she did?

 

[wcaldwell]

Many years ago (about 20) I was sitting at dinner with my wife (now my ex) and two sons. One of the boys was probably 2 years old and gave out a little toot. I knew immediately he had been watching entirely too much TV when he looked at me with that innocent grin and said, "Plop, Plop. Fizz, Fizz. Oh what a relief it is. "



We all just burst out laughing.

 

[JR2]

I fart all the time. I mean all the time. It does not matter what I eat or when I just fart like crazy. I even fart when I am asleep. I work in the oil field and lots of times have had to share a room with someone... . between my snoring and farting I seldom have to have roommates now.



I call em barking spiders. .

 

[Scot]

Originally posted by RT66DOC





Anybody ever light one with a match? :-laf



"Better out and bear the shame than leave it in and bear the pain. "

Had a buddy in High Skrool burn most of the hair off of his butt trying!

 

[muddyboots]

Here's a bit of doggerel my grandma taught me.



Beans, beans the musical fruit,

The more you eat the more you toot,

The more you toot the better you feel,

So I have beans with every meal.

 

[HoleshotHolset]

I know some folks have been waiting for me to chime in for quite some time on this thread... .



Well, I can be quite loud and extremely obnoxious with both ends of the gastrointestinal spectrum (or rectum... ).....



I consider myself to be quite the "Fartist"... . I figure that it can be done very creatively, and always gets a laugh or ten. And the folks that don't find it funny have something else up their butt that also needs to come out besides methane.



A couple of 'notables'... ...



When I was in HS... a whopping 5 years ago... . I was in the shower and felt one brewin'. I immediately rinsed off... . grabbed a towel and jumped out of the bathroom to my asleep older brother's bedroom door.



I proceeded to open up the door about 4" and placed my tailgate in the appropriate place. The event that occured immediately afterwards would forever change my life... . it was the single most impressive fart I have ever executed or witnessed in my entire life. I woke up not only my brother but also the family dog... . not from the smell (although it was very repulsive... probably a 4 on a 1-10 scale... )... . but from the noise and reverberation that this setup produced. My brother (and the dog... ) were both quite upset that I had suddenly awoken them with my most excellent abilities. I could barely stop laughing for 5 minutes for about a day and ½.



Another neat thing to do... ...

While you are sleeping next to your girlfriend or wife..... you feel one traveling down the brownie bakery towards the final outlet..... Pull the covers over your unlucky bedmate and let 'er rip..... Make sure to hold the covers tightly over their head, protect vital "man areas" from possible attack, and waft the explosive gas towards them by grabbing the center of the covers with your free hand and waving them up and down. I call this the "Dutch Oven".



I could go on for hours talking about this... . as if you hadn't noticed.



I'm so enthusiastic about a good release that sometimes I get disappointed or frustrated when it isn't as good as anticipated. All you can do is make up for it on the next one... .



Also... . try to keep a "Separation Factor Status" monitor going in your head at all times. This way... . when you think you might get some particulate or other non-desireable media in your drawers... . you can avoid it until the "Separation Factor" is a little higher. NEVER rely on undergarments to do the filtering for you... . several people have already expressed their extreme dissatisfaction with this method.



I hope this information is of some help to everyone out there... .



Matt - "Fartist" for life... .

 

[BFC]

if you guys think you have it bad, try getting on an airplane with 10 to 20 skydivers the day after a Tex-Mex and beer night. Let's see, refried beans, tacos, hot sauce, guacamole, queso and the likes. Now wash it down with liberal ammounts of Corona cerveza and you have receipe for disaster..... as we climd to jump altitude gasses expand and it ain't pretty.



I was in the airplane once when a freind blew mud into his jumpsuit and made all of us gag. We told the pilot to make a pass over the airport ASAP and we tossed him out at 6000' (we normally jump from 13500') After that episode he said "Damn, can't trust a fart after you turn 40!" With the crowd I hang with farting his competitive sport, to the dismay of most pilots







Glenn

 

[TomGolden]

What is the definition of "a surprise"??

My best friend told me this one once:



What is the definition of a surprise?



A fart with a lump in it... ... .



:--) :{

 

[BHaner]

The turd stopped that one!

A few years ago I was fishin with one of my older (75+) family friends. He has quite the variety of jokes and sayings after spending 25+ years in the cattle breeding business. We were at the back of the boat talking about "things" when he lets out the raunchiest fart I have ever heard. He looks me right in the eye with a puzzled look on his face and says "do farts have lumps?" That's about all it took for me. I couldn't go for more than about 30 seconds all day with out busting up.

 

[DHatfield]

I fart an aweful lot no matter what I eat and I do it whenever and wherever I want. People at work think since I do it so much there they think I can fart on demand, but that is kind of hard. I usually blam it on the Mid-American barking speak or my favorate saying is "I feel better when you feel better, therefore when I fart I feel better so you should feel better about me feeling better". Beside it makes me laugh which is good for you health anyway. I personally think it is my own unusual way of relieving stress. I really think I need to start taking the BEANO stuff to control my gasous release.

 

[JR2]

I just wanted everyone to know that I just ripped a huge one... . smelly long and loud.

 

[bighammer]

BFC, that would make ME jump out. (with or without a chute)