Irish Jokes.....

[mwilson]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important

meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,

'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass

every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one. '





Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,

'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father. '

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall. '

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father. '

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you

die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group

together to go right now. '





Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street

crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,

pedestrians. ' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went

over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'





Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the

obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'





An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding

in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath

and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'





Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff

one - just had another fight with the little woman. '

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees. '

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken. '





Mickey staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking

buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their

upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by

grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his

rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked

in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He

managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a

Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. .

In the morning, Mickey woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt

and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Mickey said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the

broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood

trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but

mostly ... ... . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[mwilson]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,





watching the front door of the brothel over the road.





The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.





"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.





"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"



No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,





knocks, and goes inside.





"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"





They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi





when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.





"Ah, now dat's sad. " says the third Irishman.





"One of the girls must have died... "

 

[Dutch & Di]

Good ones--all of them!! Di

 

[MLee]

Slow day????

 

[mwilson]

Slow day????

Just had to share, the one regarding the brothel being my personal favorite.



My grandfather and great uncle were both Methodist ministers... .



Mike.

 

[MLee]

That makes it even more close to home. Thanks for the humor.