Jokes of the Day

[Adam_Dodgezilla]

A saleswoman is driving through the Indian Reservation toward home when she sees an Indian woman thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What in bag?" asks the Indian woman. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband," says the saleswoman. The Indian lady is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade. "

 

[DMcClellan]

Ben Laden dies and goes to hell. Upon arrival he meets satan, who tells him that hell is full right now, but since he was sooo bad he'll make room by sending someone else back. Satan says he'll even let Ben Ladan make a choice. Satan opens a door and there's former Pres Nixon, diving in a large pool of water, going to the bottom, repeatedly. Ben says I don't do water so well, let's try someone else. Satan opens a 2nd door and there's Mike Tyson, with a large pile on stones, and he's hitting them with a hammer, breaking them into small pieces. Ben says ya-know, I have a bad shoulder, I don't think I can handle that. So satan opens a 3rd door, and theres former Pres Clinton (Bill) with his hands over his head. Monica is knelt in front of him doing what she does. Ben looks at Bill for a bit, thinks well I am in hell... He says to satan, I think I could do that. Satan says "Monica, your free to go".

 

[The Sequel]

George Bush and Osama Bin Laden are walking along the beach when they notice a lamp in the sand. Osama picks it up and rubs it. POOF!!! Out pops a Genie who grants each of them a wish. Bin Laden says, "I want a wall a mile thick and a mile high around all of Afghanistan. I want no Americans allowed inside. " Done, says the Genie and turns to George W. George W. asks, "Just how big is that wall?" The Genie replies, "It's a mile high and a mile thick. Nobody gets in and nobody gets out. " George W. pauses for a moment and replies, "Fill it with water!!!!"

 

[dabubba]

South Texan in Illinois ... (or ... Life In The Big City)



Billy Bob moved to Chicago from South Texas. One night in late November the weatherman announced there would be 5 to 7 inches of snow overnight and you should park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Billy Bob said, "Jeez, snow," and dutifully moved his car.



A few nights later the news report said there would be 8 to 10 inches of snow and cars should be parked on the even-numbered side of the street. "Jeez, more snow," Billy Bob said and moved his car.



A week and a half later Billy Bob and Mama were watching the 10 O'clock news during a new snowstorm and the reporter said there would be 18 inches of snow by morning and you should park your car..... " at which point the power went off. Billy Bob didn't know where to put the car so he asked Mama what she thought.

After a short hesitation and a long gulp of beer she said, "Shoot, why not just take a chance and leave it in the garage this time. "

 

[Mark_Kendrick]

New chicken recipe

This also works well with turkey. Just double up on the stuffing mixture.....



Chicken Recipe

When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those people who just are not sure

how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN



6-7 lb. chicken



1 cup melted butter



1 cup stuffing



1 cup uncooked popcorn



salt/pepper to taste



Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's a$$ blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.



And, you thought I couldn't cook.

 

[Mark_Kendrick]

I fly alot...

All too rarely, airline flight crews make an effort to make the in-flight" >safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:



On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. "

******

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. f you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "

******

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. "

******

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. "

******

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

******

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell

everything has shifted. "

******

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. "

******

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite. "

******

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. "

******

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. "

******

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children. "

******

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. "

******

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

******

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

******

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left

of our airplane to the gate!"

******

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal. "

******

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline. " He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had

gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

******

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. "

******

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways. "

******

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back

and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

 

[LSchenck]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama

made his way to the pearly gates. There, he

is greeted by George Washington.



"How dare you attack the nation I helped

conceive!" yells Mr. Washington,

slapping Osama in the face.



Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted

to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave

you death!" Henry punches Osama on the

nose.



James Madison comes up next, and says "This is

why I allowed the Federal government to provide

for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on

Osama's knee. Osama is subject to similar

beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James

Monroe, and 65 other people who

have the same love for liberty and America.



As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson

picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate

where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his

journey to his final very hot destination,

he screams "This is not what I was promised!"



An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72

Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

 

[dabubba]

Subject: Sayings of George Carlin whoever he is





For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and

ambiguity, and those of us that are old enough

to understand George Carlin, a few statements to

ponder... George Carlin quotes:



1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"; to have an "S" in it?

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

>

 

[JPope]

Perspective

And old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and

> sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,

> blue, yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked,

> the

> old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the



> matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting



> an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I

> was just wondering if you were my son. "

 

[B. Gill]

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female

neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox.

She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back

into her house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again

opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again.

She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than

ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have

mail

 

[klenger]

Ouch!

 

[JohnMcIntyre]

Management v Engineering

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. "



The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude. "



"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"





"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. "





The woman below responded, "You must be in Management. "

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"





"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going, you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air, you made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault. "

 

[Extreme1]

Amen...

 

[DNelson]

Marxism's

A few from Groucho :-laf



I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.



Marriage is a wonderful institution... if, of course, you like living in an institution.



From Monkey Business: "I know, I know, you're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night. "



Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.



Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.



It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.



Blood's not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.



Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.



She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.



From At the Circus: "You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera... the night I drank champagne from your slipper--two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles. "



I drink to make other people interesting.



I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.



Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.



Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!



There is only one way to find out if a man is honest... ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.



We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.



Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!



I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.



There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... retire!



You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.



Room service? Send up a larger room.



Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.



I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.



Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.



Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.



My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one.



I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.



He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.



I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.



From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.



A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.



Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!



Go, and never darken my towels again.



Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



Time wounds all heels.



So just what ARE time flies, and why do they fly like an ARROW?



Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?



"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!"



Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?



Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.



A man's only as old as the woman he feels.



Remember men, you are fighting for the lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.



Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.



Well, you can leave in a taxi. If you can't find a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.



Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.



We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.



I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.



I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.



If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.



I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.



I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.



I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.



Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.



In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.



I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.



I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago... I shot my broker.



As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.



Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

 

[illflem]

I'll never forget when Groucho asked a women on his TV game show how come she has 14 children. She answered, "my husband loves me very much". Groucho replied, "I love my cigar too, but sometimes I take it out of my mouth".